I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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