he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
