I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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