When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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