Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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