I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
