So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
