toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Two words: blizzard sex
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
