just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
