We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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