I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
