The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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