I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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