Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
