my phone needs a breathalizer
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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