The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
