You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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