I think I am morally bankrupt
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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