At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
