Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
God, I missed his penis.
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