I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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