I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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