I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
