What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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