How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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