new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
