At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
