dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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