Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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