I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
