can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
