I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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