just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
