$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
