im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
