i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
