Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the day after is always just damage control
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
