Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
