I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
