Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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