Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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