she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
