My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
