FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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