It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
