You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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