Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
