Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
