She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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