If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
